The worst movie villain of all time.
The worst movie villain of all time.
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You know: "Hey there sexually active teenagers. Beware the Blob! Stay away from its slow moving blobbyness. . . or it will. . . blob you or something... I don't know..." but feast your eyes on what I've found! It's a promotional poster for the 1958 science fiction movie The Blob, starring a grizzled, pushing 30 Steve McQueen as the world's oldest teenager (well actually, more like world's second oldest teenager. In case you're wondering, the world's oldest movie teenager is Caroline Munro, who at the age of 36, played a high school cheerleader in a slasher movie called "Slaughter High". The age issue is more of a problem with Steve McQueen because whenever Caroline Munro appears you'll be too busy humping your tv screen to realize she's too old for the role she's playing:)  Here's that poster for The Blob, the movie with the worst villain of all time:  The Blob is the worst villain of all time because it's just a bunch of slow moving green crud that fell from outer space. Honestly, does anybody thing that a puddle of slimy green shit is threatening? What's it going to do? Get stuck in your hair so you can't comb it out? How was making a movie about this piece of garbage even a good idea?  It's obvious that the Blob was only made because the director realized that piling up a bunch of slime, placing it in a dimly lit area so nobody could tell how ridiculous it looked and then playing some threatening music on the soundtrack was a lot cheaper than making real special effects. So this is what The Blob is like: Early on in the film, there's a car parked on the edge of town. Two clean-cut teenagers are sitting in the back of it and they're engaged in a sex act that is banned in at least 14 states (okay so actually they're just kissing, but this was the 1950's when kissing was considered to be as bad as bestiality is today). "It's quiet", the girl says, "yeah. . . too quiet" the boy answers her (I'm just assuming this is the dialog, but in a movie this bad, what else could they be saying?), just then, the girl starts screaming. The camera cuts to a shot of some green ooze wobbling up the side of the car door at approximately the speed of one millimeter a minute. Then the boy starts screaming as well. Apparently, the screaming is supposed to notify the audience that the oozing green shit in question is scary, and not just incredibly lame. The camera zooms in on the green slime and everything fades to black. You don't really know what happens at this point but you assume the Blob does some terrible things to the couple since they're not seen for the rest of the movie.  Steven McQueen hated The Blob and he was so convinced that the film was going to be a commercial failure that he decided to take a payment of 2,500 dollars for his role in it even though he was offered ten percent of The Blob's total box office gross. Unfortunately, Steven overestimated the general public's intelligence. Audiences loved The Blob's odious mixture of bad special effects, stupid dialog and the worst villain of all time so much that the film went on to make 8.5 million dollars in just two years of release (by the way, this was back in the 1950's when two dollars could buy you a house). In other words, Steven McQueen made two and a half thousand dollars when he could have made 850 thousand dollars for the same work. Predictably, he didn't take this news very well. In fact, upon learning it Steven McQueen promptly committed suicide and an evil Soviet spy named Steve McQueen went on to become a major movie star (who sold U.S. nuclear secrets to the communists as well as to various Bond villains). Now you know everything. Oh, how do you defend yourself from the worst villain of all time? Well, in the movie they freeze The Blob to death and then they export Blob's frozen corpse to the Arctic, which is then followed by the movie's closing dialog, a conversation between a cranky, old authority figure and Steve McQueen's feisty teenager character: At least we've got it stopped. Yeah, as long as the Arctic stays cold. OH MY GOD!!! Is it just bad movie dialog or is it a chilling prediction of global warming? I'm going with the former. |
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