The worst heavy metal lyrics of all time.

Even without the hair spray, mascara and the assless leather chaps, heavy metal would still be the world’s most hilarious genre of music. That’s because of the lyrics. Heavy metal lyrics are basically the ugly result of nerds who are addicted to Dungeons and Dragons trying to convince the world that they're tough guys.

Metal bands always check to make sure that their wanky guitar solos go on forever, but they never stop to make sure that their lyrics aren't retarded. Which they are. At least bad metal lyrics are good for a laugh.
So here it is, the hidden nuggets of pooh at the bottom of the barrel, the worst heavy metal lyrics of all time.

Disturbing the Priest
By Black Sabbath
from the album "Born Again".

What it’s about:
This song is a very helpful guide on how to recognize Satanic babies and tell them apart from normal babies. I'm serious. Apparently, the smile or the laughter of the child is not affected, the Satanism is all in the eyes.

Offending lyrics:
AHHHHHHH, we're disturbing the priest, won't you please come to our feast?
AAHHHHHH, Do we mind disturbing the priest, not at all, not in the least

Comments:
They’re doing evil, Satanic deeds but they're classy and British so they still say "please". This song is taken from Black Sabbath's first and only album with Deep Purple’s Ian Gillan as the singer. Gillan mostly wrote party lyrics, Black Sabbath mostly wrote lyrics about witches and children of the grave and “evil” stuff. So on this album you get songs about the horrors of tequila (specifically the horrors of running out of tequila) rubbing up against songs about the horrors of Satan. DOES NOT MESH.

Chasing the Dragon
By Dream Evil
From the album "Dragon Slayer"

What it's about:
Chasing the dragon is a pretty famous drug expression. When you smoke opium or heroin through a straw off a piece of tin foil, you're said to be "chasing the dragon" (as the drugs slide around the foil the smoke moves with them and apparently this causes the twisting smoke to look like a dragon – when you're on heroin anyway). However, this song right here was written by a group of Swedes who definitely weren't familiar with American slang. While there have been many songs called Chasing the Dragon this is the only one of them that is literally about chasing a fucking dragon around. The narrator tells of being on "a mission sent from God
to "fight the evil one." As a bonus, it also includes the line "Wizard gazes through the crystal ball".

Offending lyrics:
Something soars through the sky
It's the dragonfly!!!
So I run like the wind
This battle I have to win

Oh boy: hey Swedish dudes, a dragonfly is not the same thing as a dragon. A dragon is a fabled fifty-foot tall, fire-breathing monster. A dragonfly is a bug. A tiny, little bug. Chasing a dragonfly around is not metal. Like, at all.

Alexander the Great
By Iron Maiden
From the album "Somewhere in Time"

What it’s about:
It's about 8 minutes, which makes it 8 minutes too long.

Offending Lyrics:
At the age of nineteen
He became the Macedon king
And he swore to free all of Asia minor
By the Aegean sea
In 334 b.c.
He utterly beat the armies of Persia

King Darius the third, defeated fled Persia,
The Scythians fell by the river Jaxartes,
Then Egypt fell to the Macedon king as well,
And he founded the city called Alexandria.

By the Tigris river, he met king Darius again,
And crushed him again in the battle of Arbela,
Entering Babylon and Susa, treasures he found,
Took Persepolis, the capital of Persia.

Comments:
It’s a damn history lesson set to music. Apparently the songwriter found his grade 10 History textbook, flipped to a chapter that had lots of war and killing in it, and thought, "yeah, this sounds pretty metal."

If that wasn't dorky enough, the song feels like he just transcribed his history textbook word for word and didn't even try to make the lyrics follow any rhyme scheme or fit into any meter. Just imagine your history prof singing his entire lecture instead of mumbling it. That's what Iron Maiden's "Alexander the Great" sounds like. Did I mention this song is 8 minutes long? Because it is. Worst Maiden song ever.

Shoot from the Hip
By WASP
from the album "Inside the Electric Circus"

What it's about:
The lyrics attempt to equate being an old west mercenary battling bank robbers and savages to being a coked out musician trying to fuck underage girls at concerts. Unsuccessfully.

Offending lyrics:
Hot sweaty steel, a woman's fingers on my gun…
Cock the hammer slowly, and aim it at your love
Put my barrel in your holster
Like a velvet glove

Comments.
Did you read those lyrics? What the hell is up with this poetry crap? If you want to say "I'd like to have sex with you" in a song then just say it! Using cutesy metaphors and beating around the bush makes you look like a goofy doofus. In actual conversation, would you go up to a woman and tell her that you'd like to "put my barrel in your holster… like a velvet glove"? Of course not. If you did that she’d be too busy laughing at how corny you are to even slap you. Golden rule: unless you're a genius like Bob Dylan, if you wouldn't say it in conversation don't say it in a song.

The chorus of "Shoot From the Hip" is by far the worst thing I've ever heard. When the singer intones that he’s going to "Shoot it, shoot it from the hip", the background vocalists cheerfully yell out "BANG! BOOM!". Amusingly, WASP tries to keep it classy in a song about coming on women’s faces. The singer actually substitutes "your vagina" for "your love" and "my cum" for "my emotions". Yeah I’m not kidding, the line is: "My emotions running down (pause) all across your face." Worst song ever.

More bad metal lyrics to be exposed in part two.