The World's Hottest Supermodels.  Or are they???

 

Now that's a cheap move.  They found the absolute worst photo of Gisele Bundchen in existence and they tried to pass that off as being the way she looks all the time.  The above photo doesn't do justice to Gisele because it completely ignores her best asset.  I agree that Gisele's face isn't spectacular, but her face doesn't need to be spectacular because the rest of her is spectacular to the max.

This is going to be a pretty complex math equation but try to follow along: If your face is a 7/10 but you have the greatest pair of legs of all time then you still are one of the most attractive women of all time:

Gisele defines the term "statuesque".  Her body is like a living sculpture.  She's not merely hot, but her otherworldly contours are a work of art.

When I look at a body that uniquely beautiful I don't get aroused, I get out my tools and start building a temple to worship her.  If there was a tribe of 7 foot tall Amazonian warrior women living today, they'd turn Gisele's body into their God.  After looking at her God-like legs, that God-like stomach, who cares if her face is merely mortal?  Gisele could have "I LOVE HITLER" written in permanent marker on her forehead and it wouldn't even matter. She'd still be perfect.

Others disagree.  Here are ten supermodels that other people claim are more attractive than Gisele.  I hold this claim to be a dubious one. 

As I investigate and analyze the models that are supposed to be hotter than Gisel, I will be criticizing them very harshly.  Keep in mind that these girls are supermodels, not mere citizens.  This means I'm not criticizing them by regular hot girl standards, I'm criticizing them by supermodel hot girl standards.  That's fair: you'd hold an Olympic basketball team to higher expectations than you'd hold a geriatric basketball team.

Alessandra Ambrosio (pictured above) is basically the opposite of Gisele Bundchen.  Gisele has got an average face and a superhuman body, while Alessandra has a superhuman face and an average body.  Now I know that body looks good to most of you, but look closer: Alessandra has no breasts (don't let the push up bra in the above photo fool you) and no booty and she looks more than a little underfed.  Her torso is too long and her legs are too short.  She has the body of an average thin woman.  Not bad, not great.  Alessandra's face, meanwhile, is heavenly.  In videos of her, Alessandra's eyebrows curve downwards and make her look mean and devilish, which is also a big turn-on. 

When you take a second look at her face, you'll notice two problems.   I don't know if she's wearing veneers over her teeth but the problem is, even if she isn't, she certainly looks like she has veneers.  Alessandra is rocking those Hilary Duff sized horse teeth... and her long face makes her look even more like a horse depending on how much acid you drop before looking at her photos.  But it gets worse.  The nearest thing calling attention away from Alessandra's teeth are those massive stretchmark looking things on both sides of her mouth.  Now that's a red flag.  She either got those from sucking too much dick or talking too much.  Alessandra's far too pretty to have to give blowjobs (she probably never gave a blowjob in her life) so it's clear to me that she must never shut up. Stretchmarks on the mouth = woman who is too chatty... and there's nothing worse than a supermodel who talks too much.  I can just hear her now: "Guess what I did today?  Well, first I didn't eat then I walked in a straight line while trying not to fall down.  It gets even harder when I'm wearing heels."  Ugh.

Alessandra also has Jumbo the Elephant sized ears but her hair covers that up so we'll let it slide.

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen? 
No.  Alessandra's beauty is too conventional, Gisele's is unique. 

Selita Ebanks

Are you kidding me?  I'm pretty sure that whoever decided which supermodels are allegedly hotter than Gisel Bundchen was contractually obligated to put a black model on the list so nobody would call her racist but COME ON!  There have got to be much hotter black models than Selita Ebanks!  Look at her forehead, that's not a forehead, that's a landing strip!   You can park an airplane (specifically your Boner 747) on that monster forehead.  Her forehead is not a mere sperm target, it's basically a sperm runway.  Now look beyond her forehead into her eyes.  Look at those bug eyes!  THEY'RE TOTALLY BUGGING OUT MAN!!!  IT'S FREAKY!  Selita Ebanks looks like Billy Joel's illegitimate love child with his Ethiopian maid.  Or paradoxically, she looks like the world's most well fed Ethiopian, and when you're a model being well fed is not something you want to be.

Here's another photo of Selita Ebanks.  In this photo she looks like a cross between a hot girl and ET.

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen? 
No.

Miranda Kerr

I read that when Playboy magazine first started out their philosophy for the perfect model was "a girl with the face of a 14-year-old and the body of a grown woman."  Well, Miranda Kerr has got half of that equation correct.  Unfortunately she's got the face of a 14-year-old and the body of a 14-year-old.  Looking at her imitation jail bait ass makes me feel dirty.  They should put her in a woman's prison so as not to inspire pedophiliac thoughts.  The next model that's allegedly hotter than Gisel has the same problem.

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen?
For the pedos among us? Sure.

Without designers to create bizarre atrocities that no sane person would ever wear in public, the fashion industry wouldn't exist.  In other words, the designers are pretty important.  They basically run the fashion industry.  As I'm sure you know, the designers are mostly all a bunch of queers.  Designers hire models who they think are attractive.  Homosexual designers also hire models who they find to be attractive, which means they end up hiring hiring girls who look like boys.  Isabelli Fontana is useful to the people in the fashion industry because she's the kind of woman you can have sex with and still remain 100% gay.   Meanwhile, straight guys look at these boyish supermodels and wonder what all the fuss is about.

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen? 
Yes.  If you're attracted to boys.

Marisa Miller

Enormous and obviously fake breasts.  Tacky bleach blond hair.  Orange leather skin.  Slutty eye shadow.  Finally a supermodel that looks like a stripper!  White trash baby, yeah!!!  You might think I mean this as an insult, but I don't.  I applaud Marissa Miller.  Finally, we have a supermodel that can appeal to every uneducated red blooded American and not just those pederast faggots in the fashion industry.  She doesn't look like a little girl, or a little boy in a wig and glitter... unlike Isabelli Fontana, Marisa Miller looks like she's all woman.  All these other models look like they'd turn the average man down and walk away from him the moment he opens his mouth around them.  Marissa Miller, on the other hand, looks like she'd screw you for cocaine.  Give her a bump and she wants to hump.  She'll blow you for blow!  I like that. The only thing better than girls with low standards is supermodels with low standards.

Ana Beatriz Barros

Ana Beatriz Barros gets points for appearing in the best advertisement for jeans known to exist in history.  Images like this can change the world:

Jeans.  Buy that shit.  Immediately.

Ana Beatriz Barros has some of the greatest legs in the existence.  That's her main appeal.  Leg men should give her a 10/10, everyone else should probably drop that down by two points.  Also, she looks very much like Brooke Shields, so if you're tired of pretending that Brooke Shields is still young and beautiful, you can pretend that Ana Beatriz Barros is Brooke Shields and then Brooke Shields will be young and beautiful again.  Except not really.

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen? 
Yes.  First I said "No.  She's got great legs, but she can't top Gisel Bundchen who's basically the Cadillac of great legs", but then the I saw the following picture of Anna Beatriz Barros and my heart stopped beating for like four minutes as the drool accumulated into a fountain at my feet:

Petra Nemcova was born in the Czech Republic... and that's enough to make her country legitimate in my eyes.  Petra Nemcova is the reason the Czech Republic exists.  She looks flawless and she gives a lot of money to charity which means she's basically Jesus with tits. 

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen?
Yup.

Bar Rafaeli

Sorry women... she's pretty much perfect.  You have every reason in the world to hate her.  On the bright side, Bar Rafaeli is only 24 and in most pictures of her, she has humongous bags over her eyes and she looks tired and worn out.  At least every other woman in the world can take comfort in the fact that she's aging badly.  Oh, and Bar Rafaeli's also an army deserter (Israel is the only country which conscripts women into the army) which pretty much makes her a hero by default.

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen?
Nah.

Doutzen Kroes

Doutzen Kroes has the uncanny ability to look sympathetic.  She looks like the kind of girl who breast feeds orphaned kittens in her days off.  She seems like she'd always turn a friendly ear to you and be sweet to you no matter how badly you've messed up.  If you were to sniff this girl's neck I'd bet she'd smell of soap.  When I first saw Doutzen Kroes' angelic face I desperately craved to see her naked.  Unfortunately I then saw her naked and, you know... she didn't look terrible... but she didn't look attractive enough to spend any more time writing about her.  

Click here if you like disappointments
(disappointing nudity to be specific).

Is she hotter than Gisele Bundchen? 
NAh.  She's got a stupid name too.  Doutzen being, of course, the German pronunciation of douche.

Adriana Lima

The first time I saw Adriana Lima I thought... perfect face, perfect breasts, towering curves... yes, she looks just about flawless.  But answer me this... what does her asshole look like?  Take another look at her photo...

DAMN!  If left untamed, Adriana Lima's dark body fuzz would run wild, turning her into a fur ball.  This girl grows major amounts of body hair.  So what's the problem?  Well, Adrianna Lima might give everything else a good daily trim but how often is a woman going to trim the rampant forestry going on inside her butt?  Rarely.  If ever.

So let's pretend Adrianna Lima wants to have sex with you (this is what imaginations were originally intended for by the way).  She take off her panties and now her booty is aimed directly at your about-to-be ravished face.  You think you're got a supermodel right where you want her, but then disaster strikes when it's ass time.  Whatever you do, don't look the gift ass in the mouth because when you look into her's, it's like a dirty rain forest in there.  Lots of smelly shrubs and tangly bushes.  Not cool man!  NOT COOL!  If I wanted to look at something that hairy I'd look in the mirror.  I don't want a woman that makes me think of man-ass!  It's also been very well documented that hairy women have terrible body odor... so Adriana Lima won't exactly smell like a rose in the morning.

Is she hotter than Giselle? 
Visually yes.  If we're talking about smellovision however.  The answer would be no.

Female objectification class is now dismissed.  Great job gang!