The superhero is that stubble-chinned, scowling cowboy in dusty black robes who travels across the American frontier always going in the direction of yonder. Why yonder? Because yonder has gunslingers to murder and preacher's daughters to deflower. Even though he's a scrappy, unpleasant bastard who disagrees with the sheriff about the proper method of keeping order, the superhero can rest assured that his unique brand of street justice is beloved by children of all ages (especially the undemanding ones). At least that's what the hero used to be. The modern hero is more like a fat lounge lizard who sits inside his tricked out Aston Martin Vanquish and hits the "turn invisible" button whenever things heat up too much. Then, as the bad guys attack him, he reaches across the dashboard to press the button marked "win" and saves the day with absolutely no effort on his part. And that's my point: when you have high tech gadgets and super powers, defeating terrorism is about as impressive as not choking to death on a ham sandwich. Just because you have superpowers, it doesn't mean you're super, and I'm here to bring you down to earth. I will now review some of our most popular superheroes to let you know what they're really worth. Remember: Not all superheroes are created equal, and just because you have superpowers it doesn't mean you're super... more like you super suck. Oh yes, I went there... victim #1: BATMAN (Bruce Wayne) People refer to Batman as the Dark Knight, like he's supposed to be noble or something. Bullshit! Batman isn't noble, he's no hero: the only thing Batman cares about is protecting his cash wad as he vigorously spills his Bat Wad all over the Boy Wonder's ass in a superheroic display of pederasty. Let's view the facts: Batman is a billionaire. The only city that Batman bothers to look after or gives a damn about protecting is Gotham City. Why? Because BATMAN OWNS GOTHAM CITY. Whenever villains try to take over Gotham, they're messing with the success of Batman's businesses. So Batman gets off his ass, beats the troublemakers out of town and collects insurance money on the resulting property damage.  That's right: Batman didn't save your life, he saved the value of his real estate from plummeting... your life was incidental. Batman gets the Thumbs Down victim #2:
AQUAMAN Here is a complete list of Aquaman's powers: he can talk to fish and he can breathe underwater. In other words, Aquaman is a walking punchline... to the saddest joke ever told. Apparently, the makers of Aquaman figured, "Aquaman will have lots of adventures! 70 percent of the world is under water anyway right?" Yeah, except that all the villains live on land. Who are you even going to fight underwater? Great White Sharks? So you can slaughter them and wear their precious flesh as a pelt? You animal killing fascist. Anyway, I'd love to have been there when DC Comics invented Aquaman. I can only imagine how that meeting went: DC employee 1: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman. Good stuff gang, but we need a new superhero, and we need to come up with him in less than five minutes so we can spend the rest of the day playing golf. So, any ideas? DC employee 2: Fireman? DC employee 1: Something less gay please. DC employee 2: Waterman? No wait... AQUAman! DC employee 1: Damn it! I said less gay. Whatever, good enough. DC employee 2: WOOOOO! GOLF! 60 years later and we're still suffering from their bad judgment. It doesn't even take an expert like me to see that Aquaman just ain't right, simply LOOK AT HIM:  Aquaman gets the Thumbs Down victim #3:
SPIDER-MAN (Peter Parker) While other superheroes are either wealthy playboys or wealthy playboys who live under the sea, Spidey was the first superhero to be portrayed as being just a regular guy living in the real world. Oh sure, Spider-Man beats up the bad boys and he's got the typical superhero problems to worry about: mad scientists, space aliens, evil clones of his dead ex-girlfriend showing up and trying to assassinate him, but he also faces much more mundane, everyday challenges: making money, paying rent, studying for exams and finding out new ways to "get a headache" whenever his Aunt May nags at him to manually masturbate her because it's his fault that her beloved husband Uncle Ben got killed. While their intentions were good, somewhere on the road to humanizing super heroes, Stan Lee and Steve Ditko went too far when they created Spider-Man. They made Spider-Man just a bit too human with just a few too many real world problems. So in other words, they made him a whiny bitch. Every comic it's, "Waaaaah, supervillains killed all my friends and I don't have enough money to get the super sized pizza. I have so many problems!"  Peter Parker: the original emo kid. As is the trend with superheroes, expect to see a higher budgeted yet still inferior sequel to this article coming soon. |