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I have to read about 300 pages on the subject of German Expressionism by tomorrow so I don't fail out of school, but it doesn't even matter. That's because I got a Snickers bar in my mouth. Oh Christ it's tasty.
Even when things are total shit the reason I never get depressed is because I eat lots of Snickers bars. Don't believe me? Just follow this simple formula: since you are what you eat you should eat only what you like. Eat Snickers and you'll like yourself. That's because you'll like Snickers.
Snickers is the greatest food group of all time. Take just one bite of this candy bar and you'll be treated to a dope mixture of sweet nougat, delicious caramel, yummy hydrogenated soybean oil and nuts in your mouth.
Instead of calling attention to itself with flashy marketing gimmicks, Snickers keeps it simple. Other (inferior) candy bars change and reformulate their ingredients and flavors about once a week, creating so-called limited edition crap fests like "White Chocolate O'Henry", "Almond Mars" and "Mocha flavored Coffee Crisp" (what on earth does that mean? I thought that a chocolate bar that imitates the flavor of coffee was already mocha flavored to begin with). Unlike those suckas, Snickers doesn't believe in being needlessly flashy, no, Snickers believes in stealth. It's a candy bar in disguise:
"My word! Is that a stick of chocolate or a stick of poopie?"
The Snickers bar has been carefully constructed to look like a turd. While you may think that this is an error of judgment on the part of the candy makers, it is actually nothing less than a shining example of the incredibly forward-thinking design that goes into creating the Snickers bar. The unappealing look is a defense mechanism used so that your grubby (and blissfully moronic) younger siblings won't realize that the "turd" is in reality the greatest candy bar ever made, and so they won't subsequently snatch it from you with their tubby fists.
Even though I'm not a doctor I can still tell you that eating a Snickers bar leaves a diagnoses of satisfying. Also, even though I'm not a doctor I like to slice things up with scalpels...
Autopsy of a Snickers bar
A Snickers bar contains approximately 0% of the daily recommended dosage of anything, except for chocolate. One Snickers bar contains roughly 300% of the daily recommended dosage of chocolate. That's probably a good thing, since naturally the more the better and everybody loves chocolate. Snickers has such high levels of chocolaty-goodness that the only thing more chocolaty then Snickers is chocolate itself. I just ate a Snickers and I'm about to lick my hand.
Since you are what you eat you should eat only what you like.
I won't even lick pussy because you are what you eat, but wait... I like pussy, so shouldn't I eat what I like even at the risk of becoming a pussy? Holy conundrum! That means I should....???????????????????????????????
This advertisement has been paid for by my waning sanity. Seriously, even I can't believe the shit I spew half the time. Shame on you.
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