Questions men secretly want to ask women.

If you're a woman, you want to know what men secretly think about. You want to know all the things that Oprah and romantic comedies don't dare tell you. No you don't. You only think you want to know.  Once you do know what men secretly want to ask you, the only idea in your head will be to incinerate your brain and go back to living a life of blissful ignorance. In other words, don't read this article. I'm not responsible for what you learn.

Questions that men secretly want to ask women.
Question 1: Are you really going out with him?

It's no secret that the average woman is insecure and always worrying about how Jessica, that bitch from accounting wants to murder her.   But once in a while, I'll meet a woman who is fun, intelligent, beautiful and always in a good mood.  So in other words, she's a lot like me. And then I'll learn that she has a boyfriend, and rightfully so. "Wow", I think to myself, "her boyfriend must be a great guy. Probably some dashing young man with an epic mustache." But then I'll meet him... and he always turns out to be a sloppy sack of human mucus, the kind of guy who spends his spare time on building fortresses out of his boogers.

I've been working on my sarcasm. Can you tell?

So then, are you really going out with that loser? Why? Does he have a trust fund? A pet unicorn? Three dicks? What's going on?

Question 2: Why do you always claim you want to have sex but when it happens you just close your eyes and lie on your back completely silent, motionless and with a constipated expression on your face?

Please! I don't expect you to be my home entertainment center, but a little enthusiasm would be nice. And if your sex face involves you closing your eyes and squirming, then it's not exactly sexy. So if you girls are bad at sex, seek help.  Although hopefully not too much help.  Which brings me to my next point: I've always found it surprising that if his girl is bad at sex, the typical man will spend a lot of time worrying about it and trying to figure out why that is, but if his girl screws like a porn star, he'll hardly spend any time wondering why that is. And why that is would be the real question.

Question 3: Have you ever been with a black guy?

Classy gentlemen ask this question when they're too clever to ask a woman "do you hate your parents?" outright.

Question 4: I thought Jewish girls were supposed to be good at giving head. Are you sure you weren't adopted?

If your Jewish girlfriend is a disappointing cocksucker, it's probably because you're uncircumcised. Or German. Or both. However, if you are Jewish yourself and your Jewish girlfriend or wife is still bad at giving head, don't worry: she's not defective since she only gives bad head to you. She does it real well when she gives it to all the other guys she's screwing. I know it sucks you poor Jewboy... but cheer up, at least you still make more money than the rest of us.

Question 5: You say you wouldn't so much as even kiss another girl, yet you seem to be in love with the taste of your vaginal fluids. How do you explain that you hussy?

You rarely meet a woman who doesn't appreciate the taste of her own vadge. For example, let's say you’re a guy and you’re with a woman at her house and the two of you are making out on her bed. And she's just okay at it. She doesn't visibly recoil and she parts her lips by about three millimeters when kissing to show you that she probably even has a tongue in there somewhere. So you figure that you'll munch on her kitty to help enliven the mood. And you're about ten minutes into it, you got your head trapped between her thighs and you're visiting the place where cooties come from. And let's be honest... it's vaguely repugnant. About halfway through this oral ordeal, she grabs the back of your head and stuffs your nose inside her. Now you can't breath. But just as you're about to pass out, acting like the merciful Goddess that she is, she takes your face out of there and brings it to her mouth. Ahhh, air! But now that you've gone down on her, she's actually into the kissing. In fact, she's not so much kissing you at this point as she is trying to suck your face off. Your face smells like woman crotch, your face tastes like woman crotch, and she decides that for some reason now must be the time that she gets into the kissing. And you're enjoying the make-out session, but you wonder, is she into me or she into herself?  Even though it's indisputable that she loves the taste of her crotch, she still says she's not attracted to other women. If that's the case, I'm going to assume this behavior stems from narcissism and not lesbianism. What do you think?

Question 6: When I ask you if I can spank your butt with a crucifix and you say "no", does it really mean "no" or does it mean "keep feeding me booze and compliments then try again in ten minutes?"

The great thing about this question is that you don't ever have to wonder too long, because either way, you'll find out in ten minutes.

Alright... last question that men secretly want to ask women is...

Question 7: If I got her pregnant, would she have an abortion?

I had a debate about this with a friend of mine in a public library once. He was dating a woman with a kid and I warned him that if he got her pregnant, she would never have an abortion, seeing as how since she already had one kid, there would be no reason for why she would be opposed to having sequels. He countered by saying that she would in fact be more likely to get an abortion since she already knew the pain of being a single mom and would not want to burden herself further by having more children. Throughout our debate, I strengthened my argument by frequently referring to him as "dick face" and "ass pirate", but our bickering ended prematurely when the aged librarian came over and told us to quiet down. Right as she was walking away, I gave the middle finger to the back of her head. All-in-all it was a very productive day.

As you can see by now, there's a reason for why Cosmo and all those magazines you girls like to read never tell you the truth about men: if they did, you'd all commit suicide. And if you'd all commit suicide, who would be left to buy Cosmo? Nobody. Catch-22 baby.