I hate poison ivy.

Apparently, I am no longer allowed to state as fact that plants don't do anything since scientists have evidence indicating that plants photosynthesize the sun's rays and create oxygen out of carbon dioxide...
but if what plants do can only be seen through the help of a scientific microscope, then they're not doing much of anything at all, are they? If I lie in bed for a whole month and do nothing more than move my pinky finger up and down out of spite, even then I'd accomplish more than a plant - only difference is I'd still have to pay rent. Fuck those freeloaders.

And isn't that what's really important?

God made the trees, made the bees, made people like you and me,
but then he made poison ivy.

That's it, I'm officially becoming a Satanist.

Poison ivy is the worst plant of all. It turns walking through nature into walking through a minefield. Obviously, unless you're gay or something, after you've taken your girlfriend to the park, you're going to want to lay her down on the field of grass and well... lay her. Except you can't do that if you've accidentally stumbled through a field of poison ivy. After being repeatedly touched by poison ivy's toxic leaves your legs will start bleeding and your blood will be escaping from your body at such an intense pace that it will be impossible to get enough of it up to your genitals for you to sprout wood... or pitch a tent... or get a boner basically.

Right before you pass out from all the blood loss, you'll see the fields of poison ivy mocking you as they gently sway in the breeze. Then your significant other will dump you for a 300 pound Samoan martial artist.
Day = Ruined.

Even when I was a kid, I wondered what good poison ivy was: it didn't do anything worthwhile, it just stung people. I mean, animals might bite people but they mostly do that to protect their lives and the lives of their cubs; is poison ivy's schedule of sitting and swaying even worth protecting? Hell's no! Fuck that sedentary bastard! You have to remember that your life is worth far more then some stupid plant's. That's why you should defend it! And when it comes to poison ivy, the best defense is a strong offense.

How do you get the best of poison ivy?
That's simple: hate crimes:

Finally, a form of queer stomping that everyone can approve of.

When stomping on poison ivy, you should be extra careful to avoid getting contaminated by its fag pollen. There is no cure for fag pollen..