More perverts on the news! AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!

Let's say you're a total loser: you dropped out of clown college, lost your job because you couldn't afford to pay the jizz mopper union fees anymore, and the only thing you ever donated in your entire life is your 8 children (they were generously given to an orphange). What do you do to feel better about yourself?

Well, no matter how bad things are, I find you can still improve your self esteem by sitting down in front of your television and watching the network news. Then you can feel superior to all those miserable fuckers making the headlines.

When I'm feeling sorry for myself, I turn on CNN or Fox News (well not Fox News) and they're always like...

The news just reminded that I could have lower to fall, that I'm not so bad after all.

But the news reports on pedophiles ALL THE TIME!

It's annoying! I'm sure there's other stuff happening in the world you guys... drive by shootings, gang violence, serial killers, children drowning in their backyard swimming pools, and all those things? They've been done before. The news isn't impressed with simple murder anymore:

Nowadays, killing a person won't get you on the news. Unless you have a gimmick, like if you dress up as Santa Claus and choke a hooker while cheerfully saying

and when the ho dies you stand over her and say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
AND if someone gets it all on tape… well then maybe, just maybe they’ll put you on the news (at like 3am when nobody's watching).

But sexual perverts? Pedophiles? Pedophiles are ALWAYS, ALWAYS on prime-time news. If the age of consent is 16 and some guy gets caught hooking up with a 15-year-old girl… all of a sudden, the news goes CRAZY!!! "It is now Pedo Hour! Pedos are everywhere, hiding in the bushes, hiding underneath your bed, hiding in plain sight!!!

However, I've noticed that the news never airs stories about successful pedophiles. They always say things like "Shocking development, we just arrested a pedophile" or "we have busted a child pornography ring" but you never hear stories like...

Really successful pedophile has molested one million kids, the police broke through his door and almost arrested him but he threw a pedophile smoke-bomb at them and yelled "Foolish coppers! You'll never catch me!!!" as he twisted his Pedo Mustache right before escaping on his Pedo Copter. And he's still at large. Here's a poorly drawn visual recreation:

You never hear stories like that... every time the news reports on pedophiles, the pedophiles are always getting caught and arrested. All I'm saying is, I don't know which is more embarrassing:

being a pedophile
OR
being completely unsuccessful at your pedophilia

And let's face it, being the kind of pedophile who gets caught and hauled off to jail, well that's the very definition of failing at failing.

I wish we could go back to the innocent days of the early 1990's, a magical time where the news didn't even know that pedophiles or failing economies or dead Michael Jacksons existed and instead they spent all their time warning us about how video games like Mortal Kombat and Doom were going to raise a generation of school shooters – now that was some high quality entertainment.

Besides, those guys who shot up their school in Columbine, they didn't even play Doom... they played Quake. See it's totally different.