A tribute to the greatest word in existence.

Language is pretentious. There's nothing you can say with words that can't just as easily be communicated through pointing, grunting, rolling your eyes and throwing in the occasional disgusting Freudian hand gesture. Language only confuses people with the way that it has ten words each mean the exact same thing (got, received, acquired, gained, obtained, procured, took, earned, reaped... well whatever, that's nine words that mean the same thing, so what if I can't think of a tenth? Close enough).

Language is also responsible for obscuring meaning and stroking the egos of those who have delusions of adequacy through the way in which it creates inflated job titles. And really, what is a 'massage therapist' if not a hooker who pays taxes? And by "hooker" I of course mean "sexual entertainment engineer and service provider". Replacing language with gestures would solve all of these problems. Plus, it would also stop those jack asses whose only skill is sucking up to authority figures from getting promoted ahead of you, seeing as how it would be hard to find willing brown nosers when brown nosing would become literally that (extra pooey that is). But the day when language is finally abolished has not yet come. So we're stuck with it. The least we can do is make language more manageable.

Thankfully, there is one word that cuts through all the pretension that language brings. A word that stops the bullshitters dead in their tracks. The word 'no'. The word no is a thing of beauty. It is a brutish slap of resounding, unquestionable finality - effectively fit into just two letters. The word no is the greatest word in the entire universe: it will get you out of doing anything that you don't want to do. Observe:

Does that low-rent foreign playboy with the incomprehensible accent want to indulge you in the details of his sexual exploits?
Just Say No!

Does that girl who you couldn't recognize the last time you saw her because she had her wrists closed for once want you to join her group therapy session?
Just Say No!

Do assholes want to disrupt your weekend napping by asking you to contribute to a group project?
Just Say No!

Unfortunately, most people are not accustomed to saying no. Instead of saying no, they will say weak, fence-straddling shit like "maybe", "I'll think about it" and "why don't you give me your number instead?" when what they really mean is "HELL NO, you spawn of Satan freak!" You're not being nice by using friendly sounding euphemisms in place of saying no; you're just being spineless. Drop the pretension, grow a pair, and learn how to refuse people with none of the bullshit attached: just say no.

The absolute worst euphemism for 'no' would be the word 'whatever'. Whatever' sounds like it means "I don't care, do whatever you want", but it never actually means that. Instead, when someone says "whatever" to you, what they're really saying is "even though I'm too spineless to give you a firm, honest answer like 'no', I will still try to indicate my scorn for your suggestion by saying 'whatever' in as indifferent a manner as possible." That's why the word whatever is so infuriating, it's essentially the no that sounds like a yes. See for yourself:

So remember: accept no substitutes! Make sure to answer all questions posed towards you with the automatic, unthinking, knee-jerk reaction of saying no. You'll always be much better off for it.

See? Now you're getting laid!