I was born to be in entertainment.

As a young child I would imitate my alcoholic parents' drunken rages to improve my acting chops. More than anything else, I wanted to become a swashbuckler.

I wanted to act in 16^th Century costumed melodramas, historical epics that are something like 50% sword fighting and 50% plundering booty. I followed my dreams and became an actor but then tragedy struck. During the sword fighting scenes my elephantine penis would bulge out of my swashbuckling tights far too much. Audiences were so overcome with the spectacle of my hypnotically swaying ball sack that they couldn't focus on the cinematography or the period costumes and as such, the director blamed me for our movie not winning the best cinematography Oscar. I was blacklisted in Hollywood. My career was over.

Still, Hollywood is not the only entertainment around. During my darkest days, I decided to re-start my entertainment career by focusing on my first love, video games.  When I was a kid I originally thought that video games suck. That's because the primitive Atari sucked:

Most of the games I was playing in my childhood were pretty damn stupid. For one, the characters in these games were expected to react to ridiculous things as if they were completely normal:

I was tired of the stupidity!  Someone needed to take a stand and shake things up.  So I got into video game design with a very unique mindset: I was going to create smart, avant-garde and self-aware games!  Due to this ambition my first video game was rejected by every publisher in the world.  I called it "Real Life: The Videogame".  Here's a rare screenshot from level seventeen of this long abandoned project. 

In "Real Life: The Videogame": you do the exact same thing in every level.  The goal is to never wake up.

Publishers called my game repetitive and they claimed that it didn't focus enough on the "fun factor".  I suggested that instead of focusing on fun, we should focus on reality.  My games would prepare children for the boring, monotonous pointlessness of adult life by turning their favorite childhood activity, video games, into a boring, pointless and monotonous experience.  I realize now that my idea was way ahead of its time.

After regrouping and collecting my thoughts I decided to move on.  I moved to Japan and presented an all new project to Capcom, one of the world's most popular video game companies.  I called my new project "High School: The Video Game". It was a revolutionary idea, something that was never attempted before.  I was going to take Capcom's franchise character Mega Man and place him in situations where social skills are far more important than the ability to kill evil robots.  Here's the control scheme:

What you can make Mega  Man do in HIGH SCHOOL: THE VIDEO GAME

After much deliberation Capcom decided to cancel the game apparently because they didn't want their number one child-beloved character to be characterized as a long haired pot smoking date rapist. 

Frustrated, I immediately sold out.  I produced a game in which a petite Asian girl who has breasts the size of boulders runs around in a bikini fighting legions of phallic tentacle monsters (and only tentacle monsters).  The bosses were even larger tentacle monsters who were even more phallic than the regular enemies.  It sold millions of copies in Japan and literally two copies anywhere else in the world. 

I made my money and got out of the creatively dead video game industry.  Next, I decided to make millions of dollars by creating a video game web comic:

My comic was a piece of shit but it still became incredibly popular just because video game fans are so desperate to have something resembling a culture of their own, they will latch onto and fall in love with any piece of garbage that celebrates them.  After some time however I realized that there are too many sites on the internet which only satisfy the nerd market.  So I focused my attentions towards starting a new web comic that would pander to a completely different market which too many people were ignoring: HIPSTERS!  That's right; having taken from the nerd dollar, I went for the hipster dollar. 

I made sure that those jaded, too-cool-for-school, petit bourgeois hipster fucks loved my new webcomic by making literally 100% of the content center around the only thing that hipsters love... irony.

Ironic comics was a smashing success (well not artistically).  A lot of hipsters would buy t-shirts of my comics and proudly wear them because they loved them... or because they hated them and were just wearing them to be ironic... I don't know.  In any event, I had penetrated a new market.  By the way, you know that lame joke where characters in a shitty webcomics will break the fourth wall and acknowledge the fact that they are in a shitty webcomic?  Well, Ironic Comics INVENTED that and since the very first issue proudly made that the one and only plot ever used in the comic's entire 357 episode run:

I'd post the rest of the episodes but you get the point.

Surprisingly, I didn't get the job.  Apparently Marvel comics only understands drawings of men in tights and couldn't grasp the heady allegorical symbolism of my bunny crucifixion on an inverted cross painting.  Disgusted at being known only as "the irony guy" and at having my deep metaphorical artworks neglected, I furiously decided that I would never draw again. 

My skills as an artist were questioned, my cocaine bills were mounting and since I was still living in Japan I was surrounded by Asian girls which meant that I hadn't seen a pair of tits bigger than a B cup in like four years.  I couldn't take it anymore so I committed my first of seventeen failed suicide attempts.  I awoke in a hospital.  I was foaming at the mouth, there were tubes and shit in me.  I said "fuck that".  Instead of feeling sorry for myself I decided to start a new internet meme.

CLICK HERE TO READ CHAPTER 2.