Imaginary friends can suck my ass.

I was an idealist at first. As a child I dreamt I could make the world be a better place by helping Koalas breed or by teaching people with webbed fingers how to play the harp. But then I got Nintendo. Afterwards I just couldn't be bothered to care about anything.

As a kid my family never understood me. They all wanted me to "go to school", and "study hard", and "be a good boy" (which is apparently the type of boy who doesn't put cats in the microwave). Clearly, I had no time for them. My peers didn't understand me either, all they ever did was dance, play Twister and spread cooties until their faces turned blue. Plus, since my name is Paul, my classmates used to constantly mock me by calling me Polly Pocket, which was the name of a then-popular doll for girls. Fuck you dick holes! I'm still not over it.

Needless to say, it was a difficult time. Somewhere along my search for meaningful human contact, I became desperate. So I created an imaginary friend. Someone who was not only cooler than my peers, but as it turned out, considerably more insane as well. I named him Tim. At first, Tim was a great friend. At first.

When he spoke to me, Tim would tell me all about the benefits of setting things on fire but there were lots of other benefits to having an imaginary friend as well:

1.)
My imaginary friend was good for my self esteem. When we raced together in Mario Kart, I always won, every single time!! Hell, Tim was so bad that sometimes I could have sworn he didn't even pick up his controller at all. . . you know, what with him being imaginary.

2.)
Whenever I wanted something I could always get twice the portions of it just by mentioning my imaginary friend. Like when I was in the lunchroom at school: "Excuse me Mrs. Lunchlady, I'm going to need a second piece of apple pie for my imaginary friend Tim". Or when I was out shopping: "Yeah, mom. I know you already bought me one action figure, but Tim doesn't like that character so we're going to need to get a different action figure (or seven) or else he'll cry". The tricky part was not mumbling "heh, heh sucker!" under my breath afterwards.

3.)
When I was playing doctor and little Suzie insisted that my turn was over and that it was now her turn to look at my genitalia, I was like "actually it's my imaginary friend's turn to look at your genitalia, re-assume the position sweetie". Sadly, women stop falling for lines like that sometime after the age of six, but what can you do? (I mean besides becoming a pedophile).

Since Tim was such a great friend I took many photos of him to keep as mementos. Here's one that I found in the family scrapbook. This photo was taken in 1995.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. And my good friendship with Tim eventually stopped being so good. Just like with every co-dependent relationship, after the honeymoon and the roses, then came the shit.

See for yourself, this photo was taken in 1999, it is evidence of just how badly my friendship with Tim had deteriorated.

Sadly, imaginary friends are jealous of you and the fact that you actually exist. After a while they will constantly nag at you to kill all your non-imaginary friends. They won't grow up, even after you have. So when it comes to inventing your own friends, just say no. You might not like your real life peers now but take enough ecstasy and you can be friends with anyone. Except Limp Bizkit fans naturally. Are there any left?