Can't homeless people just like, go away?
 My town is like a high producing, high polluting factory of homelessness. Something as simple as taking a walk down the streets becomes a crusade when I have to wade my way through an ocean of hobos just to get from The Falafel Hut to the Opium Emporium. Seriously, this is what my life looks like: Wake up. Step outside of my home, run through the hobo gauntlet, enter Coffee Time to buy donuts, leave, run through the hobo gauntlet, go to the park for some sunshine, leave, run through the hobo gauntlet, go to my friend's house for some free food, leave, run through the hobo gauntlet, go to the Bowlerama to play the Simpsons Arcade game, leave, run through the hobo gauntlet, drive 45 minutes out of downtown and into the suburbs to orally service a leathery skinned mother of four who I met on the internet, exit vehicle, realize with astonishment that there are no hobos in the suburbs, move in permanently with leathery skinned mother of four. That's right folks: I'm going to become step-father to four annoying kids just because there are no homeless people crawling around in the suburbs, just endless white picket fences and no more hobos hounding me with every step I take outside my home. I'll admit that I'm often prone to making mild exaggerations (as any one of my 600 billion readers will tell you). The reason I'm mentioning this is because, while the next thing I'm about to tell you may sound like an exaggeration... I want to stress that it absolutely isn't. A few months ago, I had to get an errand done. To get to my destination I decided that I would take a walk for a change since it was such a nice summer day (I had a DUI). As I walked down Bloor and then Yonge street, I was harassed by a new, different homeless person asking for some "spare change" roughly once every 30 seconds (yes, I counted) for a total of 13 different homeless people all inquiring about the availability of my precious change in the period of a half-hour walk. I never used to have any problems with throwing down some change to a homeless guy in the past but when you're being solicited for change every 30 seconds it just becomes too much. TOO MUCH. What am I supposed to do? Every time I see a bum should I stop walking, reach into my pockets, pull out my wallet, unzip the part of the wallet where I keep my change, fish around for an adequate amount to give, throw the change down, zip my wallet back up and put my wallet back in my pants before finally being allowed to carry on? No way man! That's like ten seconds of my life wasted and I got places to go! Besides, I get impatient enough just waiting for the red light to change, I can't waste an extra ten seconds for every thirty seconds of my life just to satisfy the wishes of someone who smells like dog vomit. Fuck that! I can guess what you're thinking by now: "dumbass, why don't you move out of the bad part of town and become respectable yo?" Well that's just it: I do live in the good part of town. In my neighborhood even the most derelict two-story house is sold for something like half a million dollars. Literally ALL of the clothing stores around here have incomprehensible but still clearly pretentious French sounding names. There's a Starbucks on every street corner, no doubt filled to the brim with skanky, gonorrhea infected whores slobbering all over their five dollar cups of coffee. So in other words: it's a nice neighborhood. I guess the bums are all here because they've figured they can score more change from people if they hang out where the money is. It might be a good strategy for them but it's bad for pretty much everyone else - and in this dispute between bums and everyone else, I'm going to have to side with everyone else pretty much by default since everyone else doesn't dig through through the trash, smell like cat urine and defecate in public. Sorry homeless people but YOU SUUUUUUCK! Man, I can't stand the homeless. First of all, half of them own pets. Bums should be thinking about covering the basics like food and shelter before they spend their limited supply of cashola on luxuries like pets and cigarettes. I hate to see bums being fiscally irresponsible like that - it's probably how they became homeless in the first place. Second of all, it's hard to have pity for the homeless here in Canada because Canada is one of the richest countries in the world and if you're so stupid that you can't get your shit together in this country then just imagine how hopelessly fucked you'd be sleeping on the streets somewhere in the third world, like Uganda. Does Uganda even have any streets for you to sleep on by the way? Fuck no man, in Uganda you'd be sleeping in the ditches created by exploded artillery shells. You spoiled Canadian beggars have it easy; in Uganda your homeless ass wouldn't even have a street to sleep on, you'd just fucking melt! Anyway, I say it's time that we start giving money to homeless people for reasons not based on pity but for reasons based on merit. There are far too many homeless people around here for me to stop and give cash to all of them, so we have to create a merit based reward system. This is what I'm thinking: you make us laugh, you get paid. No more of those sentimental, bathetic "Oh woe is me, my life is devoid of home, so please give money" signs that you carry around. Start begging with some wit. Think of yourselves as traveling entertainers, tell us what you'd really like to do with the money:     Signs like these will get the bums the money they desire. Remember homeless people; in our society, debasing yourself for laughs will get you FAR. Oh and, what the fuck? What are you homeless people living for anyway? The hope that tomorrow you'll wake up, walk around aimlessly and pick through the trash again? Sorry man but there's no light at the end of this tunnel. You have a shitty time and then do it all over again the next day. What is the purpose of this kind of life? What the fuck are you even living for anyway? Waiting for Godot? |