Modern video games are for pussies.

Remember what happens when you get shot in Halo? Your space suit takes some damage and this is the indicator for you to sprint towards the nearest gigantic rock and cower behind it like a little girl as you breathlessly wait for your space suit to power itself up and recharge you back to full health.

Halo was the first game to do this…but now almost every video game has health that magically recovers by itself. Why? Well, the more expensive a game is to make, the more people need to buy it in order for the game to make profits. As video games keep getting more expensive to create, game developers have to make them extra easy so that anybody who owns thumbs can beat them, therefore, anybody who owns thumbs will buy them. So they make easy ass games where your health RECOVERS BY ITSELF in order to make a shitload of money.

The problem is, automatically recovering health was a perfectly good idea in Halo… and only Halo. Halo is a game about space marines in the 26th century. So a space suit that can fix all damage done to itself within three seconds makes perfect sense because it’s an awesome futuristic space suit from the future.

Now take a look at the average World War 2 video game. In one of those, you get shot so you cower behind some rocks, you wait for three seconds and your health returns to normal. There were no motherfucking 26th century spacesuits in World War 2! So apparently these games are telling us that after being shot, your skin magically seals up, stops leaking blood and you recover all your health? Well that’s just unrealistic. You don’t get better after being shot and going three seconds without getting shot again. Actually, YOU GET WORSE! That’s right video game designers: when blood spills out of your body it will keep spilling out until you see a doctor or UNTIL YOU DIE!

Anyway, I mentioned how stupid automatically recovering health is to my smartass friend, and he was all like: “As opposed to the way video games were before, right? When you had a health bar? When getting punched by a bare fist and getting impaled by spikes both damaged you by the same one hit point. Yeah that was real realistic.”

Fine. So the old school way of recovering your health wasn’t any more realistic than the dumbshit new one. But it was MORALLY SUPERIOR. The new way encourages slacking and tooth decay by granting you free health for doing nothing. In the old way, you had to earn your health recovery!

In an old school game like Final Fight, baddies punch your character’s face until his health bar is almost depleted. That health won’t come back if your character cowers in the corner like an idle slacker. No, he has to work for his health by tracking down a health powerup. How do you do that? You punch a fucking oil drum until it explodes revealing a roast turkey on a plate (what was a turkey doing inside of an oil drum? – it doesn’t even matter). Instead of leaving that nasty ass oil drum turkey alone your character eats it. Rather than dying from salmonella like one would expect your character actually recovers his health and the effects of all his gunshot wounds wear off. Now that’s a manly metabolism. Old school all the way dawg!