I installed a blu-ray player in my car. Now I get to watch HD movies right in my pimpmobile as I'm driving off a cliff. Damn I'm clever.  I run out my door, jump into the Caddy, press play on the Hitachi and it's fucking HD boner time!  I might not have enough money to be big pimpin' but I'd say I'm comfortably medium pimpin' now dawg!  

Unfortunately, before I can watch my HD movies I need to buy them... and I made the mistake of buying some from a psychotic bitch from hell.  This woman was working the retail counter when I walked into the video store.  She didn't approve of the two movies I was buying, meanwhile I was convinced they were both modern classics. Who was right?

A few months before this happened, I lit up a fat joint filled with medicinal drugs (MEDICINAL!) and I went to watch Transporter 3.  In case you never saw the epic, Transporter 3 is the gripping saga of a car that does back flips in midair - the only thing more Shakespearean is Shakespeare itself.  After we stumbled out of the theater, I turned to my buddy and said
"MAN, WHAT A RUSH!  Did you see that part where the car defied the laws of physics?"
"You mean the whole film?"
"I loved it!"

Of course I was wasted.  Transporter 3 had plenty of colorful, fast moving things happening on screen and I watched while drooling and thinking "OOooh, trippy!"  I walked out convinced it was superb, especially the part when an Audi jumped off a bridge and drove three miles across the top of a moving train from seventeen different camera angles.  Some time later I went to see The Spirit, also while completely drugged (on the orders of my doctor). 

The Spirit had lots of gorgeous women (barely) wearing tight fetish costumes and Samuel L. Jackson, who is black, playing a mad scientist, who is a Nazi.  You heard me right, The Spirit had black Nazis!   Man, black Nazis, are precisely what's missing from the cinema in general. White Nazis are the biggest cliché in the book. Evil Germans belong back in the 1940's, that's not threatening anymore.  The difference between black Nazis and German Nazis is that difference between dynamite and nitroglycerin.  Black Nazis are DYNAMITE!  Black Nazis are lightning, German Nazis are the lightning bug.  

So as you're watching The Spirit's awesome Nazi torture scene, out pops Scarlett Johansson with her hefty Jewish breasts all packed into the sweetest, tightest Nazi uniform you've ever seen.  And the dialog!  Oh man, all the characters are talking about the plot but nobody is even mentioning what the audience is really interested in: the Nazi uniforms, the Nazi anthem that's playing and all the Third Reich paraphernalia on display are being treated as if they're perfectly natural.  I was watching the scene with my jaw open thinking I had hallucinated it.  Right... so as you can probably guess, I stumbled out of there thinking The Spirit was awesome as well. 

A few months later these films came out on blu-ray.

So back to the evil witch at the video store.  I put the blu-rays down on the counter and she recoiled in horror.  She took a swift step back and asked me:

That's EXACTLY what she looked like by the way.

I wasn't about to take her crap so of course I defended my taste in movies.  I used the reasonable argument of "These films rule, they got: BLACK NAZIS!  CARS THAT DO BACK FLIPS IN MIDAIR!  If you're not entertained by that you must be Satan."  She had some sort of snappy comeback to my valid argument but by that point I already wasn't listening.  I wrote the dumb hag off as a lost cause, just another simpleton who enjoys mind rotting junk like Starbucks coffee and young adult novels.  I left the store in a huff and took my newly acquired blu-rays to my Caddy and watched them again.  Sober this time.  And. She. Was. Right.  The films were awful, just really, truly horrid.  This was the first step in my realization that drugs have more negative side effects than I could have ever imagined. 

I used to think there were only three drawbacks to drugs:
1.) You could land in jail.
2.) you could blow all your money on them.
3.) You could run out of drugs.

But now I had started to discover yet another drawback to drugs.  They make you stupid.  They make you enjoy stupid things you wouldn't otherwise enjoy.  My epic process of discovery became complete last week.  I won't get into all the details but let's just say this: there's a romantic comedy called Couples' Retreat.  When you average the score that every major critic in the English speaking world gave it, Couple's Retreat scored a 23 out of 100.  That's really bad, like, worse than my average at Cultural Sensitivity class bad.  Quite a few critics even gave the film a zero.  Meanwhile, I saw Couples Retreat while trashed and I thought it was absolutely hilarious, brilliant even.  Look, I know a person's taste doesn't become this bad naturally... it is chemically induced stupidity! The happy pills make you love everyone and everything... even the things that suck.  When the haze was gone the morning after I knew Couple's Retreat was horrible, and I knew I liked it.  It dawned on me that I had become a full-fledged idiot. 

There's a pretty famous t-shirt that says

Everyone knows that drugs help ugly people get laid because drugs lower people's standards when it comes to finding a suitable sex partner... but I naively thought that's where it ended.  Nope.  Drugs don't just lower your standards for sex partners, its more like drugs lower your standards for everything.  I'm worried that if I continue getting fucked up like I am I'm going to find myself at four in the morning dancing around some ugly girl's apartment singing Britney Spears songs while exclaiming "This bass line is phat yo'!  How do they get it to be so phat? IT'S REMARKABLE!  I LOVE U BRITNEY'S BASS PLAYER!"   If I continue going the way I'm going, who knows what's next?  I already get fucked up and sit there watching Scooby Doo for hours.  I tried to watch Scooby Doo while not fucked up and I couldn't finish five minutes of it.  I used to think I had great taste in entertainment... but now, who knows if my "great taste" was just a giant delusion created by drugs?  I live in a glass cage man!  A GLASS CAGE!!!!!!!