Dracula sucks.  Confessions of a lonely vampire.

A vampire is kind of like a starter monster.  Unlike real monsters who are usually the type of massive, fire-breathing reptiles that love to do nothing more than scare girls and eat them for dinner, vampires are about the only thing left that doesn't scare girls.  In fact, virtually the only thing more appealing to girls than just any old vampire, is a lonely vampire.  It looks like Twilight and marketing to the female demographic have turned vampires into lonesome, hurt wimps.  This is a common opinion... but it is wrong, ALL WRONG!  Vampires haven't recently turned into wimps, no, vampires have always been wimps.  Even Dracula, the Original Vampsta himself, was a massive pansy. Dracula lies near the bottom of the list of awesome monsters.  Unlike evil robots or talking cursed mansions (both of which are known to be crafty and resourceful predators) Dracula doesn't know any cool kung fu moves nor does he have the ability to fire laser beams.  No, Dracula's tools of terror are limited to his impenetrable Romanian accent and his criminal lack of judgment when it comes to fashion sense (capes made out crushed velvet are soooo 1897).  He also has pointy teeth.  So in other words, Dracula is less a legitimate monster and more like an eccentric human who wishes he were a legitimate monster. Instead of listening to all heavy metal all the time like normal people do, Dracula dresses like the sort of pompous ass who probably enjoys Wagner or something. In addition to being a wimp, Dracula is also an undead count, and as such, he needs to drink blood in order to stay undead and stop his body from turning into dust.  So he invites all the tourists stupid enough to be visiting 19th century Moldavia over for dinner at his aristocratic mansion and he uses lots of aristocratic words like "indubitably" to lower their defenses as they get drunk together.  After a while, everyone gets tired and goes to bed.  That's when Dracula goes to work.  When the women are asleep, he sneaks into their rooms, whispers "indubitably" in a seductive manner to their sleeping ears and then he bites them on the neck to satisfy his blood lust.  In other words, Dracula finds a helpless, sleeping woman and he manages to defeat her.  Is this supposed to be impressive?  He's a monster with monstrous powers like being able to assume the form of an animal and having the strength of twenty men, yet Dracula still chooses to victimize waifish Victorian women.  Hell, if I were a villain with superpowers, I'd at least try to victimize someone of a similar stature to myself like a superhero, but as it stands I'm just a normal guy with no monstrous powers whatsoever and even I could victimize a woman... while blindfolded, with my hands tied behind my back and with my penis in a chastity belt.  And I'm talking about a woman who is awake and at the peak of her fighting-back abilities, not like wimp-boy Dracula who prefers to bite his female victims when they're asleep.  I was going to compile a list of things that are easier to do than victimize a sleeping woman, but the only thing I could come up with (other than breathing of course) was "victimize a sleeping child".  Clearly, I need professional help.  But at least I'm not a sissy vampire. Although he seems quaint and laughable now, Dracula used to incite fear in the hearts of readers way back in the day.  Modern vampires were invented in 19th century Victorian England.  It was a time of great outward piety and stringent morality.  The streets were lit by gas lamp and paved with cobblestones.  All the fine British gentleman pranced about wearing stylish canes and top hats.  Even when they came home and beat their immigrant servants to death with coat hangers, their nails were perfect.  Sadly, these well-regarded family men were all sexually repressed to the point of lunacy.  If they saw a woman showing some ankle as she walked down the street, they'd jizz in their pants.  As I'm sure you can imagine, 19th Century British men were massive pansies.  When they read the original Dracula novel, they all collectively pooed their pants in fear.  Then again, that's not saying much.  Terror drove them to disgrace their underpants whenever they felt a passing breeze and everytime they saw a minority.  What else can you expect?  They were a group of sheltered 19th century weenies living in an era without skydiving accidents, HD television or 500 man gang bangs.  When you think about it, it's really sad how primitive people used to live. Oh yeah, If a vampire bites you, you'll become ONE OF THEM.  Some people think that's why vampires are scary.  With just a single vampire bite, you'll go from being an upstanding citizen and you'll turn into a blood sucking creature of the night who can't see his own reflection and who dies and/or sparkles whenever he is exposed to sunlight.  But is that really so bad? Wow.  Talk about "the horror". So you got bit and now you're a vampire.  Cheer up champ; it'll just take a little getting used to.  You might not be able to see your reflection in the mirror anymore, but you can always hire someone to paint you.  Tell the artist to omit the pockmarks and acne and when you look at your painting you'll feel better about yourself than ever before.  As a vampire, you'll most likely be sleeping all day and stalking the fields at night, which means you'll have to Tivo your favorite tv shows instead of watching them live.  So... what kind of a lifestyle is this? It's certainly not a scary one.  Being a vampire is not scary at all!  And we have proof that vampires aren't scary when even little girls are not afraid of them.  LITTLE GIRLS LOVE THEM and when little girls like you, you know you suck.  That is a fact.  Every single thing that that little girls like sucks: playing house, dressing up Barbies, boy bands, promise rings, going to the opera, vampires.  It all sucks.  I don't mean it sucks blood.  I mean it sucks period.  Not period blood though.  Ugh, you know what I mean.