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This
is
a
list
of
the most overcrowded places on earth. Some are hellholes and
some of them are kind of nice. Some are crowded
because everybody wants to get in; others are crowded because nobody
can get out.
World's Most
Crowded Theme Park (Tokyo
Summerland, Japan)
Tokyo Summerland is a Japanese theme park that doesn't
exactly
engage in the most honest advertising practices. On the
official
Tokyo Summerland website, they use these suspiciously blurry photos to
promote
themselves:
So there's sunny skies, blue water and always plenty of space for you
and the kids to splash around. Except
it's
a lie. Advertising photos are brainwashing you! In reality, Tokyo
Summerland looks more like this:
Um... Where's the
water?
Well this isn't too bad. Even though the wave pool is horribly
overcrowded it still
works. So every time a big wave hits, the people in front of you
get pushed back and fall into your lap. Unfortunately, you can't
control
whether it's some fine bikini wearing Japanese schoolgirl who rubs up
against your lap or some morbidly obese male Otaku. In other
words, if you're a bisexual,
this
crowded pool is the greatest place to be in the entire world.
If
you're
not
a
bisexual,
well
depending
on
who's
directly
in
front of
you, it can either be the best place in the world... or the
worst.
One question remains
however... what happens if
you're in the middle of the pool and you want to leave? You
can't. You don't have the strength to swim past fifty people who
don't want to move for you. All you can do is drown. Since
you've been swimming around children (who think that swimming pool = very large toilet)
as you drown you will see all the child-urine dancing around you in the
water, dancing you to your watery grave. Like piss in the wind.
Looking at the photos of Tokyo Summerland's wave pool helped me to
understand Japanese history a lot better. I'm absolutely
serious. If you research the history of Japan you'll discover it
goes something like this:
"What year is it General Fuji?"
"1684"
"So... are you thinking what I'm thinking General Fuji?"
"Right. Time to invade China. Again."
Japan tried to take over China over 9,000 times. They used to do
it once about every 60 years like clockwork (meaning they're currently
overdue). At first I was like, "you dicks, Leave the
Chinese alone!" Then I saw the wave pool picture and I
understood. Japan is tiny island filled to the brim with
people. So your population's overflowing and then you see this
gigantic land next door to you, uncrowded and just
ripe for the taking. Forget it. I'd invade China too if it
meant
I didn't have to deal with thousands of clumsy fools bumping into me
on the subway and the wave pool. You'd do it.
World's Most crowded
Prison
KRESTY PRISON IN ST. PETERSBURG
This is Russia's infamous Kresty Prison. The max
amount of
inmates that the penitentiary was originally designed to hold is just
over 1,000. By now it's been re-designed to hold over 3,000.
That's still not nearly enough because the amount of inmates it
actually holds is over 10,000. So it's
filled at 10 times more than original capacity. Oh those
Russians!
Mother Russia is
a majestic
land with wonderful national pastimes like
hating freedom and trying to kill James Bond. I've seen
enough 1960's spy
movies to know that the concept of a Russian prison is pointless
because ALL of Russia is a prison. Russia should turn Kresty
prison
into
a
casino and just ship all the prisoners out to Siberia. Well, in
reality,
they
are doing something a lot like that. Kresty prison is going to be
closed
down and there are plans aimed at turning the property into a tourist
resort.
Formerly Russian prison rape headquarters, now it's the cocktail
lounge.
You can install chandeliers and paint the walls all you like but there
are some things that
just can't be covered up
World's Most Crowded Subway Station and
World's Most Crowded Train.
Overcrowded subway cars are a fantastic place to meet women.
Don't believe me? Think about it....
You get on the train and all the people in there are pushing you
around. Eventually however, you can't be pushed anymore because
it turns out you've hit a wall. If you're clever, you can
maneuver yourself so that this wall becomes the backside of an
attractive young lady. How embarrassing! When this happens
you'll want to say something charming like "Sorry babe, I didn't mean
to rub up
against you but this crowd is being very pushy!" Usually she'll
laugh and say "that's alright, I understand". Then as the train
lurches to a stop, your crotch will thrust forward until it is pressed
firmly up against her butt cheeks.
This is not your fault. That's just the theory of gravity so
don't
worry about it. Simply tell her something sensitive like
"Oops! If you are offended I promise not to hold it
against you... oh wait... I kind of am holding it against
you." By now she knows that you are funny and she knows
what it feels like to have your genitals pressed up against her ass, so
in
other words, the two of you are already halfway to getting
married! Just
try not to rub up against any fat girls. Sadly, that happened to
me once.
Yes I rubbed up against a fat girl in public. It happened
completely by accident. I got on an extremely crowded subway car
and the crowd of people pushed me until I hit a barrier. That
barrier turned out to be a
morbidly
obese woman's behemoth-like booty. A much-beloved part of my
anatomy got some rather "too close for comfort" contact with that nasty
booty following a push from the crowd. After
about
thirty
seconds
of this, shall we say, pressing engagement,
fatty
turned
her head to
me and
said "Wow, it feels like being in the womb again!" So I
muttered "Oh you like it huh?" And she said "It's very
comfy, isn't it?" In short, I think I was raped.
Now, look at the following photos. The one on the left is a Russian
subway station (in Moscow) and the one on the right is an Indian train
(in Mumbai).
 
Russia does overcrowded public transit the right way. There are
plenty of hot Euro girls on Russian trains just eager and waiting
to be publicly groped (Communists believe in sharing the
wealth). Meanwhile, India does overcrowded public transit the
wrong way. The most crowded train in the world is in India and
it's for men only. MEN ONLY!!! Now look, there are a
lot of things that work better when they're for men only (like a polar
bear strangling expedition) but an overcrowded subway train is not one
of them. Look at the photo! It's a train with over 100
dudes packed like sardines into just one car. They're packed so
tightly that several of them are being pushed until they're hanging
halfway out of the train, holding on for their dear lives, hoping not
to
fall onto the tracks below and get crushed to death by rampaging
elephants. The rest of them are equally
unlucky. Inside the train the struggling men are all rubbing
up against one
another. As India's scorching heat attacks from above, they start
being covered in each
others dripping sweat. The scent of silent
desperation and curry fills the air. The
body odor is bad enough to kill a woman on the spot (which is why the
train is men only). "If only I had a hot woman to grope in front of me"
thinks little Haji as he spirals deeper and deeper into a lifetime of
random Indian dudes rubbing their stinky selves up against him every
single working day for the rest of his life. Every single working
day for the rest of ALL all their lives actually. This is why we must donate to charity.
Nobody should have to live a life like this. Nobody.
But everyday millions of Indian men do. While their wives
just sit at home watching soap operas while having forty babies
each (give or take 34). Seriously: people of India, STOP HAVING
SO MANY
BABIES. THAT'S ENOUGH.
That is enough.
Most Crowded Place on Earth: Monaco (it's got the world's highest population
density)
Monaco is tiny. The entire country is less than one square mile
in size
and over 32,000 people live
on that minuscule tract of land. Not only is it tiny but it seems
that everybody in Europe
wants to move there. Why? Well, everybody hates paying
taxes. That's no secret. The bad news is, if
you don't want to pay taxes you pretty much have to live in the North
Pole
or somewhere in the Middle East. Nobody wants to live in the
North Pole because it's freezing cold and polar bears are dicks (and
all those cute penguins only live in the South Pole). The Middle
East is a rough place to live
since
(1) you need special permits just to buy alcohol (buying these kinds of
permits is difficult and costs waaaay more than it should).
(2) Pornography is censored and is hard to come by (no you can't just
type www.sluts.com into your browser, you will be blocked from
accessing it).
(3) They still have kings. KINGS! Imagine
that! It's like
the Middle Ages or something. Well, Monaco
has a prince but
whatever...
Europe just loves taxes. Loves them. In Switzerland for
example, citizens give
away around 70% of their income just for taxes. I'm sure that's
something Darth Vader would approve of: PURE EVIL. On the
other hand, Monaco is about the only place in Europe
where there are no taxes. It should come as no surprise as to why
Monaco's
so crowded: all the Euro people with money want in. They're
desperate to
get in. Plus, the place is constantly warm and sunny, they have
formula one racing
and awesome casinos. Monaco's actually so crowded that most
people simply can't get in, no matter how rich they are. To give
an example, my aunt lives in Monaco. She doesn't own a house or a
condominium there, instead she just rents an apartment. Somebody
once offered her around a million dollars for her to move out of her
apartment so that the person offering the money could move in.
She didn't even own the place! If she accepted the offer, the
person offering the million bucks wouldn't own the place either.
She was merely being offered that money to leave. That's how hard
it is to find a place there. She turned down the offer.
Why? Well I don't know why but
obviously
the overcrowding can't suck too much if you turn down a million bucks
to move
out. It's not perfect though: Monaco literally
has THE
WORST traffic jams on earth and the smog is apparently pretty
horrible. Still, it's better than a Russian prison.
Sources:
Things half remembered from high school, oddee.com, Wikipedia and uh...
what am I, writing a paper here? No I'm not and no you don't get
a bibliography. Deal with it. |
