As a compassionate liberal I am very tolerant of other cultures (even the weird ones).  This means that I'm also very tolerant of conservatives.  Other people may claim that conservatives only do one thing (think up conspiracy theories about how terrorists are joining forces with Obama to steal the spirit of Christmas) but, as a liberal, I am going to throw down a generous fistful of liberal tolerance by stating that I believe conservatives do an entire TWO things:

1.) Give half their paychecks to tv preachers.

2.) Cry over the death of NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt even though that was like four thousand years ago,  just get over it already.

Despite their flaws, conservatives have got at least one thing right: they're brazenly, openly bad.  Wimpy liberals, on the other hand, always attempt to pantywaist their way through life by being discreetly bad.

Liberals say stuff like "I respect and accept all people, especially minority groups" before silently adding "so long as too many of them don't move into my neighborhood and make the property values go down".  A conservative however, will just come out with it and say, "Screw that guy!  He comes from a country whose national anthem is a solemn hymn to kidnapping American tourists and now he has the nerve to come to America and repeatedly call me 'bad-ey, bad-ey, hey bad-ey' in his failed English as he tries to sell me a used washing machine that will break down in two weeks.  Hell no!"

The conservative knows what he likes, he wants what's best for him and he's not apologetic about that.  He'll just say "Forget paying more in taxes for health care and medical procedures that I'll never use! That money is going to buy me a Lexus so I can take a photo of it at the precise moment when it loses one third of its value as it first leaves the parking lot... because that's what separates us from the savages!"  Liberals on the other hand will also buy the Lexus but afterward they'll feel so guilty about spending so much money on a car while other people are starving to death, that (much like Gandhi or Jesus would) they'll try to alleviate this guilt by baking cookies for their kid's school's bake sale.  Wow, color me impressed.

All politics is pragmatism.  There's nothing noble about voting or believing in one party over another.  People simply vote for the guys who they perceive are going to do good things for them. The conservative can understand that.  All he wants is to look out for number one by paying less money in taxes but the liberal wants to look out for number one while pretending he's looking out for everyone.  I recently had a conversation with a campus political activist who was trying to get me to vote liberal.  He mentioned that the most liberal party was going to freeze tuition fees while the rest of the parties were going to allow tuition fees to go up by removing the freeze on them.

He mentioned that keeping tuition costs down benefits all of us because it keeps education affordable to everyone.  He claimed he's voting liberal "because they're helping society" and that I should do the same.  Naturally I asked him if he was a student.  He answered that he was.  Ah-ha!  So he's voting liberal because if they win and they freeze tuition fees, they're doing him a favor.  He's not voting liberal to save society, he's doing it to keep more money in his pocket while pretending that he's doing it to save society. 

I asked the activist if he'd vote conservative if the conservative party would be the ones freezing tuition fees and the liberals would be the ones raising them.  Predictably, he had nothing to say, preferring to just stand there dumbfounded instead of giving an answer.  Then I said something totally sweet like "talk to the hand" right before I break danced all the way into the sunset.  I don't understand how they let they pansies like that activist into Pimp School.  Shit ain't right.