How to be happy. It's easy!

The root of your unhappiness goes all the way back to the stone ages.

A prehistoric man just finished bludgeoning a woolly mammoth to death with a sharp stone. He picked up the stone and looked at it with wonder. It was so sharp, so well polished, so good at bludgeoning! He loved that stone. Until he saw the stone of his douchebag tribesman TJ. TJ had the largest, sharpest and deadliest stone in the entire village, it put all the other stones to shame. After seeing TJ's massive rock, the prehistoric man’s smaller, inferior rock had now started to look even less appealing to him than the shitty drawings on the walls of his cave.

What the average person wants more than anything else isn't fame, money or love. More than anything, people want to be better than the people they know. It was like that in the tribal days and it's like that today. You used to love your big screen tv before you knew your neighbor's tv was as big as his wall. Now your tiny fifty incher is about as appealing to you as a booger. Being famous won't make you happy if your friends are more famous than you. Being rich won't make you happy if your friends are richer than you.

It's not enough to have good stuff. To be happy, you need to have the best stuff. You want to fill your houses with "fuck you furniture" like a pool table made out of solid gold. Its not just a pool table, it's a luxurious middle finger aimed straight at the heart of anybody who comes through your front door and is too poor to afford this kind of stuff.

In truth, to be happy you don't even need to own good stuff. You can own garbage stuff so long as its better than the stuff the people you hang out with own (that's why I exclusively date homeless girls - they're so easy to please... and just as tight).

But you, you don't have the best stuff. What's worse: all the people you call friends have better stuff. When you see their awesome homes, you're reminded of your own shortcomings. That's why you're unhappy. That's why you have to move to the third world. Like, say, Africa.

Did you know that the average Nigerian makes only 330 dollars a year? Are you kidding me? You have better stuff than him! If a Nigerian sees your tiny fifty inch tv, he'll think you're some kind of technology God. Hire him to be your bodyguard. You can pay him only 30 bucks a month! On a modest North American salary you'll be living like a king. You can hire nannies for 30 bucks a month too, hire a group of them and you'll never have to see your annoying kids again. You can hire a team of bodyguards to attack your enemies. Keep them under your control and you'll be a warlord in no time. In a few years you'll be eligible to make a coup for president. And you can afford this kind of lifestyle on your present salary.

In the first world you live like a peasant. In the third world you can live like a king for the same money! Move there and not only will you be externally successful, but more importantly, you'll be happy and spiritually fulfilled on the inside, because you'll own better stuff than everyone around you.

They say that being rich can’t buy you happiness and they’re right: it can’t. What can buy you happiness is simply being the richest person you know. Even if all your friends are dirt poor, all you have to do is be slightly less dirt poor than them and BAM! Instant satisfaction. Get a stay-at-home job like day trading or selling vintage N64 games through the internet and move to the third world now. It’s cheaper than Prozac.